Peter Riley alias Pistol Pete (Club Captain) (00 - )

Although I am honoured to be called after perhaps one of the greatest tennis players ever, he is essentially a hairy ape; I am not. Mainly I would like to apologize for subjecting LSE to three years of quite awful, yet enthusiastic, karaoke. I meant well. You see, I’m a complete light weight, and a few drinks is enough to see me acting like a complete knob. I apologize for this also. Yet perhaps one of my proudest moments came when I took on the might of the rugby team’s dirty pint (whatever they call it), and won. The fact that my night ended shortly afterwards (but not before subjecting my girlfriend to a torrent of foul-mouthed abuse) is neither here nor there.

David Tovar alias Rasta (00 - )

We all wish Rasta was of the strong silent type. He is the only other third year in the team, and as such I could tell many a story about him; if I could be bothered. In summary, he got his nickname after mutating into some sort of white middle-class Bob Marley creation following a run-in with a purple-headed love warrior^TM, and then did a remarkably good rendition of 'No Woman No Cry' on karaoke. Rasta has great aspirations of becoming a top equity analyst in The City. On being told that he wasn't arrogant enough for the job, he has subsequently set about correcting this perceived fault in his personality, much to the detriment of the umpires and certain unsuspecting members of the public. Honestly, you've never heard anyone moan as much in your life. He also fancies, himself as a bit of a ladies' man, so maintaining eye contact with him is not a good idea for the females at LSE. Indeed, on seeing any other member of the team chatting to a member of the opposite sex, Rasta feels it his duty to come over and have a quiet word in her ear to the affect 'Who do you prefer? Me or him? Me or Him?'. In all seriousness, Rasta is one of the key members of the team, and it is a credit to him that he plays week-in, week-out, despite always being half injured; and that he takes so much crap from a little shit like me. 

Karen Arzumanyan alias Sharon (02 - )

As far as goalkeepers go, Sharon is an ‘interesting species’. Straight from Russia (via Essex), this guy does a superb Cossack-dancing impression in the goalmouth. Often likened in appearance to Rolfie, our previous goalie, we only wish he played like Rolfie. In all seriousness, considering he’s had little experience in goal, he’s done an excellent job and it’s a credit to him that he’s stuck to the task despite getting a lot of stick. You wouldn’t see many people (except maybe in the world of Jackass) volunteer to have balls hit at them at speeds approaching 100mph. The frustrating thing is he saves all the hard ones, but lets the easy ones trickle through his legs.

 

Philipp Raddant alias BB Dancer (Captain) (01 - )

Next is our German captain, Phillip ‘the monk’ Raddant, aka BB Dancer. Whoever, coined the phrase ‘German efficiency’ had obviously never met Phillip. I thought my stint as captain was chaotic. Phillip got his nickname after a particularly poor, but hugely comical attempt at break-dancing, which looked more like a traditional dance one would perform in their Lederhosen, than the ‘funked up freaky shit’ you would expect. Phillip’s first sport is tennis, at which he is very very good. He almost joined the tennis team until it was pointed out that they were queer limp-wristed fellows who enjoyed shooting tennis balls out of their rear-ends. He also happens to be a very good hockey player, and is equally at home whatever position he plays. Phillip has got a rather strange sense of humour, which isn’t quite German, in that he can be quite funny. He also has a habit of laughing rather sadistically after making a ‘joke’, which convinces you that it is a good idea to laugh heartily, for fear of being in some way maimed by him. Loves pensioner porn.

 

Mayur Patel alias Cornershop or Kangeroo (Treasurer) (01 - )

Next is Mayur ‘every girl’s best friend’ Patel, aka ‘Skippinda the Punjabi bush Kangaroo’. A native of Zimbabwe, Mayur obviously didn’t fully understand the tradition of nicknames in British university sports teams. He therefore asked to have ‘Patel’ emblazoned on his hockey top, leading many of the opposition to think we were a bunch of racist c*nts. It is an inspiring, perplexing, but most often comical sight watching Mayur play hockey. He’s a very tall chap (at least that’s the way it seems to me) and is about as flexible as a large lump of lead. This unfortunate combination means he’s more cut out for lawn bowls than the delicate art of hockey, and requires a five foot stick to compensate. But watching him somehow manage to leap, bound and bungle his way past opposition, whilst never being fully in control of his limbs, is certainly a sight to behold and something that we have seen increasingly frequently over the past few games.

 

Old man James Jackson alias Ginga or Wacko Jacko (02 - )

Another native of Zimbabwe, Wacko Jacko is the inspiration for this article. This guy really knows how to let his hair down. Always in the library, he is one of a few in the hockey team that work way too hard. He is constantly finding ingenious ways of not paying fines; both monetary and drinking. It was the latter that gave him a date with the Kangaroo court at the barrel. Although he must be congratulated for tackling the court’s fine with a certain aplomb, he then embarrassed us all by doing some sort of ‘Cowabunga Dude’ sign with his hands in celebration.

 

James Porter alias Twice as Nice (02 - )

James is of the strong silent type and doesn’t tend to say a great deal. This probably has something to do with him being from the ‘Republic of Mancunia’, a nation state all to itself, with its own language and code of conduct He generally has very steady matches, making few mistakes. He also has a fit bird who can do the splits both ways and has massive breasts, and doesn’t care who knows it. Top lad.

 

Hayden Wood alias FT Boy (02 - )

Fitzjeffery (aka FT Boy) got a detailed write-up last week, so I shall be brief here. Basically, this boy lives to insult people; his mother, team-mates, the regions. A recent meeting with ‘Nasty Nigel’ left the former Popstars judge with a coronary. Crap displays on the pitch can be blamed on his poor reading of the game (he’s dyslexic). He’s another one that works slightly too hard for a fresher.

Geoffrey Riddell alias The C#nt (02 - )

Fitzpatrick (aka C*nt) is from Belfast, so I’m going to be very nice to him for fear of reprisals. He got very drunk on the first Wednesday night and was an instant hit with the ladies (particularly Nicole). Loves to try and make you look foolish by offering to shake your hand and then whipping it away (crazy I know, but give the lad a chance: comedy has only recently found its way to Belfast. Watch Patrick Mckielty and you’ll understand). He has recently got his comeuppance however, as he broke his hand in an argument with a wall.

Vish Sawhney alias Vish Suppa (Vice Captain) (01 - )

Our forward line is dominated by Vish Suppa, our goal-scoring machine. Suppa is an extremely fashionable guy, and can often be seen sporting the latest fake designer goods from Camden market. In his first year he was an extremely unreliable character and rarely made it to a match on time. Yet he almost managed to pluck the captain’s armband from Phillip’s unsuspecting arms, and still likes to pretend he’s our vice captain this year. Suppa also seems to be allergic to the Tuns, but loves to strut his stuff at Walkabout on a Wednesday night.

 

Mikee Shah alias The Mullet (02 - )

Mikey ‘the Pikey’ Shah, aka ‘The Mullet’ sits on Suppa’s right-hand side. He is, or at least was, the mini-Mayur of the team; with his bead necklaces, gay highlights and strictly non-sexual relationships with women. Picture Mogley from the Jungle Book in a pair of Bermuda shorts after having discovered hair wax and you’ve got Mikey. This guy’s so laid back he’s almost horizontal, lacks any sort of first touch, and is still yet to get on the score sheet this season.

Nayan Patel alias Bhangra Man (02 - )

The third person in the strikers unholy trinity is Nayan Patel, aka ‘Bhangra Man’. Everywhere he goes he moves to the rhythm of the Bhangra. Suppa, Mikey and Bhangra Man are inseparable, and can often be found wearing each other’s clothes. Bhangra Man’s chief pulling tactic is dancing up behind a girl and wrapping his arms tightly around her, much like a boa constrictor would wrap around its prey. The poor unsuspecting fool is then unable to get a good look at her assailant, but equally Bhangra Man is thankfully unable to do too much damage.