LSE 2nds XI 2 : SBLH 3 Before we talk about the match there is yet more unfinished business to attend to. Firstly, apologies for not gracing The Beaver with our irreverent wit last week, Sach reckoned his time was better spent trying to find himself a job as an Investment Wanker. He’s half way there. And I’m just not funny. As it is, this report might not be that great because we’ve only got twenty minutes to write it. Maybe we shouldn’t be wasting time with this crap then. Secondly, we’d like to thank ‘The Powers That Be’ at The Beaver for printing our last report unedited, much to our disappointment. We can’t take the piss out of the fuckers now. On to last week’s away match against SLBH 3s (two weeks ago now). We thought it would be easy becuase they were shit. And it was, despite Boy’s best efforts to keep the scoreline at 0-0. We shouldn’t really castigate him for being useless in front of goal, but it’s funny so we will. For the fifth match in a row, he posed a goal threat akin to Phil ‘son of Neville Neville’ Neville. O shit, even Phil ‘son of Neville Neville’ Neville isn’t that bad. Fortunately, Katen, the ‘too nice to cuss’ goal machine scored an emphatic hat-trick. See, we’ve mentioned it, now stop bugging us. Pete ‘I’m a victim of one of Rishi’s scouting missions’ Emms, making his debut for LSE looked right at home, needing about five guilt edged chances to score one goal. Still, better late than never eh Boy? MashER didn’t want to play in goal that day so Septic plucked up the courage to use a second hand box and played between the sticks. Fortunately, he didn’t have much to do, but when called upon, made an outstanding save. See, we’ve mentioned it, now stop bugging us. The only other point worth mentioning is Nosh’s behaviour as a petulant little twat for arguing with the ref. He got five minutes in the sin bin, but since he had tears in his eyes, I should probably stop there. Wet pants. Final score 4-0. Now, onto last weeks match away at St George’s 2s. After playing them off the park earlier in the season it would have been a fair assumption that with a stronger, fitter team we’d beat them again. And now, back to Boy and his continued ineptitude in front of goal. As was pointed out after the match (in hindsight, a bit late) the aim is to score in the hockey goal, not the football one fifteen yards behind. Moving on to muppet #2, Katen finally worked out how to dribble around the ‘keeper. However, the art of scoring with an open goal at his mercy is still eluding him. As for self confessed muppet #3, we don’t really think you were as bad as the other two but since you kept apologising for being shit, it’s only fair we concur. You were shit. Even then, we managed to score two goals which should have been enough to finish off the little ginger haired fuckers, but it wasn’t. Where should we start? Goal number one came from some fannying around by a certain Geordie blood sucker (sorry, lawyer) outside the D which led to Nosh deflecting a wayward shot into the goal. Goal number two came from Nosh and Septic both showing signs that they were scared of the ball. Bit of a problem, given they were defending a short corner at the time. Goal number three was a mixture of gay refereeing and shocking defending by Qazim leading to a penalty flick on the last play of the match. Despite Septic’s heroic efforts, they scored to make the final score an embarrassing 2-3. Oh dear… To add insult to injury, we didn’t get any free food from the bastards. Their captain, looking very much like the love child of Luke ‘it’s not still haloween’ Chadwick and Camilla Parker Bowls, didn’t like our ‘spirit’ after the match. Forgive us for being bitter about losing to the worst team in the league. You are probably wondering where our usual homophobic, paedophilic, racist and sexist jokes are this week given current events (jacko, bush, prince charles et al). Do not worry, they’ll be in next week when we have more time, and aren’t being forcibly removed from S169. Article by Hairy Fairy

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