Oi Ed! Leave our words alone! By Sach and Nosh Before we talk about the match, there are a couple of items from past reports that need clarification. Firstly, Matthew ‘I’m not a paedophile’ Kelly is, actually not a paedophile despite what his eight year-old ex-wife may tell you. Secondly, you may be wondering when the LSE Women’s 2nd XI hockey team came into existence…join the club. Lastly, if this report gets butchered by the editor... there’s fuck all we can do about it. If it doesn’t, the bit they missed out last week was; (…the unwanted attention of premiership players on an innocent seventeen year-old in The Grosvenor Hotel) recipients of a super seven gang rape… Now, back to the match. After standing around for an hour (and that’s a not a description of Bandana Boy’s performance) in the freezing cold, we were happy to find out pockets hadn’t been picked by people who held an eerie resemblance to the Strand Poly students who nicked our goal last week. We knew it was going to be a tough match coz they had two girls refereeing and they were better than us. The girls were intent on demonstrating their knowledge of the rules of hockey (or the only ones they knew) by making sure that EVERY free hit and sideline hit was taken from the exact spot (to the nearest 2 decimal places). Maybe it was that time of the month. Under continuous pressure, our makeshift defence coped well for much of the first half despite not venturing into opposition territory. Shortly before half time we were unlucky to go behind when the ball took a dodgy bounce and SBLH pounced to go into the interval 1-0 up. A heated half time team talk resulted in a much-improved performance as we took the game to the opposition. In an improvement on last weeks display, we attained a fifty percent success rate from our short corners. It wasn’t all-good however, because we only had two shorts in the entire match. In a seemingly rehearsed move, a Jason Lee effort by Qasim was deflected goal wards by Sach for his second in two games. Watch out Emile Heskey. After a further brief spell of dominance we regressed to our first half display and conceded two sloppy goals in quick succession, putting the result beyond doubt. There’s not much else to say about the match so, being the juvenile delinquents we are, we’ll now resort to taking the piss out of people. Firstly, Bandana Boy played much better in the second half without a piece of cloth strapped around his head (Osama please take note). Henceforth he (Bandana Boy, not Osama) will now be known as ‘Boy’. Secondly, we are disappointed at the lack of support towards our ‘Speedophile Relief Fund’. Being the poor sods that are forced to view Rishi’s behind in a pair of skimpy shorts, we urge you to give generously to this worthy cause (email r.madlani@lse.ac.uk for further details or just if you want to abuse him). Thirdly SBLH (much like Matthew Kelly) enticed us with the offer of free food and drink to their SU which was set in Gary Glitter’s basement (I think this is libelous – Ed). Needless to say we didn’t get any. Lastly, Masher went on a date with his mum.

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